The Query Letter: Part One – Spot The Mistakes

I thought I’d have a bit of fun and set you guys a little task. Now, I am not the best query letter writer. No really, I’m not being modest. I really hate writing them.

Below, I have swallowed what little pride I have, and copied an old query letter of mine. Now, your task is to read it:

Donna Newton
1 Writers Lane
London

Mobile: 01234567891
pointwelldonna@googlemail.com

5th July 2011

Agent 007
Their Office
Agent Lane
London

Dear Mr Agent,

Re: Legend – The Messiah’s Cross

The Legend is a supernatural story set around two Reapers in a small Texan town. The idea was created for TV, and the pilot was written for the American market. Earlier this year I went to L.A., where my manager also suggested I adapt it into a novel.

I have been writing for many years and my previous publishing credits are all article based within the UK magazine market. I am a member of the Romance Writers of America and belong to Kristen Lamb’s Warrior Writers Boot Camp. I spent many years with Essex Police, where a large majority of my ideas are born. I have written one other novel, and am ready to start my third.

I have enclosed a synopsis and three chapters as requested in your guidelines.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

Donna Newton

Okay, read it? Good.

An author friend of mine, Linda Regan, severely chastised me for writing this letter. I want you to see if you can tell me why. Put your comments in the – you’ve guessed it – comments box, and I will publish the corrected version in a couple of days.

Have fun, and be kind to me.

6 responses to “The Query Letter: Part One – Spot The Mistakes”

Brian Ronk

July 5, 2011

“my previous publishing credits are all article”

Well, should that be singular or plural? I’m betting plural, the way the rest is phrased.

Anne Riley

July 5, 2011

LOL, Oh Donna! Haha 🙂 No worries, I’m pretty sure some of mine were like this, too!

Ok… first of all, you barely talked about your novel at all. All we know is that it is “based around two Reapers in a small Texan town.” We don’t know what Reapers are, or what they do, or what the conflicts of the story are and how they are resolved.

The rest of the letter is your credits and experience, which are good, but you needed SO much more about the actual novel! Why does your experience with the police help you in terms of writing this book? And in what magazines were you published?

Also, it’s a bit short. I’ve always been taught: two paragraphs on the novel followed by one short paragraph on yourself.

Hahahahaha oh thank you for posting this! Seriously, this will be so helpful to others who are working on their own letters. Well done.

Donna Newton

July 5, 2011

LOL. Anne, thanks so much for your comments. I did forget to mention that this was just a covering query letter. The synopsis was seperate. Hmmm, maybe I should add this tiny piece of information to the blog post. But still, your comments are brilliant. In fact, I am going to leave it and see who else notices *evil cackle*. Thank you so much 😀

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Reply

Tiffany A White

July 5, 2011

I’m not at all a query expert, I am still waiting to query my first novel. I have taken a few workshops and the first thing that jumped out at me was the fact you didn’t talk much AT ALL about your novel. I’ve been told to talk about/summarize in a paragraph at least the first 1/3 of your work.

Also, do you know the agent you’re querying? Follow their blog, follow them on twitter? Have you met? Throw that in…but don’t seem stalkerish.

How am I doing?

UKCynthiaT

July 6, 2011

My comments are much the same as Anne’s. I think it’s very brave of you to post this letter and solicit comments; I for one am learning from it, so thank you. 🙂

While I’ve never written a query letter (yet)…putting on my editor’s hat (I have done a good bit of editing)…I was left wondering:

>>>What is the status of the TV pilot and was it compelling enough to send you to LA to pitch it, etc (which made me think that if others wanted to snatch it up so why wouldn’t I)?
>>>What is a reaper? What do they get up to and why will it thrill me? (I couldn’t make the link between the title and what you said).
>>>How does the story relate to your police experience (because that could be a real hook for me, with you as an author-expert)?
>>>Why should I take you as a novel writer when you list only experience with article-writing? (better you tell me that you’ve been extensively published and let me get curious about it after I’ve read the synopsis and chapters)

In summary, I feel that the letter should have given me answers and pushed me toward action and to delve into the attachments — not left me with a relatively long list of questions for which there were no answers (though now knowing the synopsis is attached, that answers one of them).

Excellent post and idea, though! Again, thank you for the chance to explore it. I’ll watch for further comments and the rewrite and learn some more.

Marilag Lubag

July 7, 2011

I don’t know. It has I at the beginning of the sentence? Are the two other novels published? If so, be specific. If not, leave it out. No need for you to tell the background of this story. However, your background matters to give you credibility, I think.

Did I get it or not?

Brian Ronk

July 5, 2011

“my previous publishing credits are all article”

Well, should that be singular or plural? I’m betting plural, the way the rest is phrased.

Loading…

Anne Riley

July 5, 2011

LOL, Oh Donna! Haha 🙂 No worries, I’m pretty sure some of mine were like this, too!

Ok… first of all, you barely talked about your novel at all. All we know is that it is “based around two Reapers in a small Texan town.” We don’t know what Reapers are, or what they do, or what the conflicts of the story are and how they are resolved.

The rest of the letter is your credits and experience, which are good, but you needed SO much more about the actual novel! Why does your experience with the police help you in terms of writing this book? And in what magazines were you published?

Also, it’s a bit short. I’ve always been taught: two paragraphs on the novel followed by one short paragraph on yourself.

Hahahahaha oh thank you for posting this! Seriously, this will be so helpful to others who are working on their own letters. Well done.

Loading…

1. Donna Newton
  
  July 5, 2011
  
  LOL. Anne, thanks so much for your comments. I did forget to mention that this was just a covering query letter. The synopsis was seperate. Hmmm, maybe I should add this tiny piece of information to the blog post. But still, your comments are brilliant. In fact, I am going to leave it and see who else notices *evil cackle*. Thank you so much 😀
  
  Loading…
  
Tiffany A White

July 5, 2011

I’m not at all a query expert, I am still waiting to query my first novel. I have taken a few workshops and the first thing that jumped out at me was the fact you didn’t talk much AT ALL about your novel. I’ve been told to talk about/summarize in a paragraph at least the first 1/3 of your work.

Also, do you know the agent you’re querying? Follow their blog, follow them on twitter? Have you met? Throw that in…but don’t seem stalkerish.

How am I doing?

Loading…

UKCynthiaT

July 6, 2011

My comments are much the same as Anne’s. I think it’s very brave of you to post this letter and solicit comments; I for one am learning from it, so thank you. 🙂

While I’ve never written a query letter (yet)…putting on my editor’s hat (I have done a good bit of editing)…I was left wondering:

>>>What is the status of the TV pilot and was it compelling enough to send you to LA to pitch it, etc (which made me think that if others wanted to snatch it up so why wouldn’t I)?
>>>What is a reaper? What do they get up to and why will it thrill me? (I couldn’t make the link between the title and what you said).
>>>How does the story relate to your police experience (because that could be a real hook for me, with you as an author-expert)?
>>>Why should I take you as a novel writer when you list only experience with article-writing? (better you tell me that you’ve been extensively published and let me get curious about it after I’ve read the synopsis and chapters)

In summary, I feel that the letter should have given me answers and pushed me toward action and to delve into the attachments — not left me with a relatively long list of questions for which there were no answers (though now knowing the synopsis is attached, that answers one of them).

Excellent post and idea, though! Again, thank you for the chance to explore it. I’ll watch for further comments and the rewrite and learn some more.

Loading…

Marilag Lubag

July 7, 2011

I don’t know. It has I at the beginning of the sentence? Are the two other novels published? If so, be specific. If not, leave it out. No need for you to tell the background of this story. However, your background matters to give you credibility, I think.

Did I get it or not?

Loading…